ғʀᴏᴍ ɴᴜʀsᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴘᴀᴛɪᴇɴᴛ

When you are given the diagnosis of End Stage Renal Disease, the options are peritoneal dialysis or hemodialysis. There are also different modes available e.g. in center, home treatments, & nocturnal dialysis. Initially I did peritoneal dialysis and chose this method because I thought it was the least invasive of the two. I was scared of having a fistula because there were needles involved and it was visible. Yes I was thinking of my vanity, I’m a social person and I did not want that look from people. You know the look of pity. I am Gen X, whatever’ you’re going through you fight like a warrior. You stand strong because that’s the way you were raised. My mom always had the attitude of there was always someone worse than you. If I had to choose again, I would have chosen hemodialysis. Reason being is that you got on your machine and spent 3.5 to 4 hours dialyzing vs. peritoneal dialysis- you had to be on the machine at a certain time and it was an overnight treatment. I always had fear of losing my access coming out of my abdomen.

There are also 2 roads to choose in life and it can be difficult to absorb your new you. The life you had no longer exists so you learn to readjust or you could go down a dark road full of despair, addiction, or possibly death. As a nurse, I knew about these 2 roads. When I was uremic I lost my appetite, dropped weight, and wanted to sleep. My husband would beg me to eat and said to me, I need you here with me. God does not forgive those that take their lives. I miss you dancing and listening to music.” I loved that he said that to me. He told me that this was our battle and that our vows were for life. Often the caretaker is forgotten when someone is suffering from chronic illness. My husband is my best friend and he has helped me in so many ways. When I started hemodialysis there were no visitors allowed so he sat strategically near the door. When the door opened he would blow kisses to me and I would catch them. I listened to him and started listening to music and dancing, never missing a beat with my friends. 

I’ve been told by friends how strong I am, but my strength and faith in God was my only option. There are friends that know my journey and when they look at me I see looks of admiration and hope. One friend said to me you’re like a cat that has used most of their lives. You have to do the things that make you happy, lean on those that are willing to support you. That’s my husband, family, and friends. If you don’t have that there are support groups for dialysis and transplant patients. Even if you speak with complete strangers that are willing to hear your story, they are a part of your growing tribe. Keep fighting

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